A persistent theme over the past few years in America is that white men have it pretty hard these days. Some of my best friends are white men, so I think I’m qualified to comment on this.
White men have ruled America since Christopher Columbus “discovered” the New World and immediately commented that these native folks would make some darn good slaves. Then he took the Santa Maria through the drive-thru lane at Bank of America, only to find out it was closed for Columbus Day, so he had to buy some slaves with trinkets and other incentives such as smallpox and cholera.
White men would go on to forge a new nation by stealing native people’s lands and making the important decisions in a burgeoning society — such as who might be a witch and which baseball league should have the designated hitter.
White men would then form a government in which all people — except for non-whites and women — are created equal. White guys sometimes refer to these times as the good ol’ days. Some wear hats expressing their desire to make it that way “again.”
But, my, how times have changed. Non-whites got the opportunity to vote, and then leveraged their authority at the ballot box to roll back segregation and steal the NBA from good ol’ white guys like Bob Cousy.
Then, women got the right to vote. I know, right? Before long, they were also doing such things as driving cars, wearing bikinis and throwing away men’s perfectly good underwear. The power went to their heads quickly.
Today, white men are horribly oppressed. The most horribly oppressed are the straight white Christian men, especially in the South, who live in constant fear that they might not get to discriminate against anyone ever again — including gay people — so they leverage their oppression to almost pass “religious liberty” legislation each year.
Being a straight white man myself, I am horribly oppressed and discriminated against, too. The Los Angeles Lakers would not even give me a tryout, citing my 1-inch vertical leap when I really know it’s because I’m white. Because of their discrimination, they are going to miss the playoffs this year.
Most recently, I was discriminated against on a cruise ship. I asked for a basic frozen margarita, and they charged me a whopping $12 just because I’m white. But a far worse discrimination occurred before we even set sail, so to speak.
If you’ve ever been on a cruise, you know that every single person must gather at muster stations before you get going to discuss safety procedures in the event of a problem — such as striking an iceberg in the Caribbean. They give you basic instructions, such as don a life jacket and stay away from Kate Winslet at all costs.
Then they made a statement I heard for the first time because it was the first safety lecture I didn’t sleep through: “Women and children first.”
What?! This is 2019. Why do they get to leave the boat first? Man up, children. You’re lighter and more buoyant anyway. If we heavy grown-up men hit the water, we’ll probably sink like a rock. And sharks definitely would prefer the taste of men, who have a sort of cheeseburger flavor. Y’all taste like Lucky Charms, and women taste like salad. The sharks won’t even bother y’all in the water. We men need to get in the lifeboats first.
I guess it’s all moot, though. In the event a cruise ship begins to sink, I suspect everyone will forget where their muster station is and just start leaping from the nearest balcony.
Including this white boy!
Get more from Chris Johnson at KudzuKid.com.