Every year during the awards shows you don’t watch like the Grammys (which used to honor music) and the Oscars (the awards for December movies you didn’t see), they have an “In Memorium” segment where they flash pictures of dead folks while someone sings some overwrought song about how sad we are and how much we miss them.
The rich celebrities in the crowd generally sit fairly quiet during these things, only to occasionally clap with somebody they think is actually important is featured, unlike all those boring costume designers and assistant sound editors. Afterward, folks express their outrage about the people they inevitably leave out of these segments.
“I can’t believe they left Harrison Ford out of that?!”
“Um, he ain’t dead.”
“Dude, did you even see ‘The Force Awakens’?!”
Meanwhile, those of us at home who stumble across these segments while flipping channels from the Hawks game to the latest Trump rally gasp as we see people’s faces on the screen and yell, “What? Abe Vigoda’s dead? I didn’t know he was still alive! Aww.”
That’s how we’re all going to feel when we see the 121st poll of contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination released and folks like John Delaney, Mike Gravel, Wayne Messum, Joe Rockhead, Seth Moulton and Marianne Williamson start dropping out.
“What? I didn’t even know Mike Gravel was running! Or Joe Rockhead! And who is Wayne Messum?”
Actually, I just threw Joe Rockhead’s name in there to see if you were paying attention. Like Donald Trump, Rockhead earned the right to run for president by appearing in a successful TV show, “The Flintstones.” Unfortunately, Rockhead got in trouble for a hug with Betty Rubble that lasted a half-second too long and is now disqualified to win the Democratic nomination. Now, he’s just a couple of porn stars, three wives and a few body part grabs for American evangelicals to consider him godly enough to run against Trump for the GOP nomination.
OK, that’s not really true. I was just Messum with you. Rockhead dropped out of the GOP race when the Bedrock Gazette revealed he had actually paid his taxes.
It is true, though, that there are way too many folks running for the Democratic nomination to keep up with or even care about. Now, Joe Biden has jumped into the race — which came as a total surprise only to people who have been in a coma the last three years.
“Joe Biden? He’s still alive? I’ve obviously been out for a while. How’s Abe Vigoda?”
“Well, he’s not running for president — although he is eighth in the latest poll.”
And eighth is pretty good in a field of — hang on, let me calculate this — um, yes, 23,541 Democratic presidential contenders. I’m not real good at math, but I’m pretty sure that’s what you get when you add a Booker to a Buttigieg and exponentially Hickenlooper it to the Inslee degree. Or does that equal one Gabbard. I hate math.
Which brings me to Jimmy Earl Hayseed of Turkey Junction, Tenn. He stands out in the field of American Democrats because he is the only one officially not running for president. In a statement, he said, “I just ain’t got the time for that stuff, what with the transmission shop struggling and all.”
Meanwhile, I’m still weighing my options. I’m not a Democrat, but neither is Bernie Sanders. I’m also not a Republican, so I don’t really have a party but the Parrothead party, and they just nominate Jimmy Buffett every year. Of course, you’d think I’ve bought enough of his merchandise and tequila to at least qualify as his running mate.
Get more from Chris Johnson at KudzuKid.com.