Chris Johnson

I’m making some major moves in the 2020 presidential race

As you probably know if you’ve looked at the latest major poll following this past week’s first Democratic presidential “debates,” I’ve had a very good week when it comes to the race for the nomination.

This is despite the fact that I’m not actually a Democrat. Just don’t tell Debbie Wasserman-Schultz or Donna Brazile because I don’t want them meddling in the process.

It also is despite the fact that very few people saw my official announcement that I was jumping into the race. In hindsight, making that announcement on SnapChat (where I have only one friend, my son in Scotland) was not the most effective social media platform for me.

Nevertheless, the latest Politico/Morning Consult poll following the “debates” shows that I am now mathematically within striking distance — within 1 or 2 percentage points — of a few candidates, including Beto O’Rourke, Andrew Yang, Steve Bullock, Julian Castro, John Delaney, Bill de Blasio, Tulsi Gabbard, Kristen Gillibrand, Amy Klobuchar, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, Michael Bennett, John Hickenlooper, Jay Inslee, Eric Swalwell, Wayne Messum, Mike Gravel and Joe Sestak.

Yep, given that the poll has an error of margin of +/- 2 points and that all of those candidates came in at 2 percent or less, I may even be ahead of all of them as I came in with a nice, round 0 points in the poll — slightly ahead of Marianne Williamson, mainly because pollsters were too embarrassed to even ask about her.

So, theoretically, I could be as high as seventh place in the race when you factor in the margin of error. This means I might even have enough support to make the next debate stage where I can score even more points by attacking candidates like frontrunner Joe Biden by bringing up his opposition to the horseless carriage or by one-upping folks like Andrew Yang, who tried to make a statement by not wearing a tie to the debate. Naw, man, I’m gonna make a statement. Tank-top, baby!

I’m already prepared for the next debate should the invite come. I’ve practiced my one-liners, a la Kamala Harris’s “food fight” line, and I’m working on my Spanish like Beto and Cory Booker. I’m going to stick to the Spanish words in my comfort zone. In fact, the final line of my closing statement is going to be: “Tequila taco señiorita cerveza baño,” which I’m pretty sure means “God bless America,” so I expect to score some pretty big points with the Hispanics. And when Tulsi Gabbard, Seth Moulton and Pete Buttigieg start referencing their military backgrounds, I’ll stick to what I tell cashiers who ask if I’m former military and therefore eligible for a discount and point out that I was in an extremely militant branch of the Webelos. (Three scoutmasters remain unaccounted for from our offensive against the Brownies.)

Of course, the biggest question for Democratic candidates is, “Who are you again?” But the second-biggest question is, “Can you beat Trump?” This when folks like Gov. Steve Bullock of Montana likes to point out he got elected as a Democrat in a state that went heavily for Trump in 2016. I’ll note that there are only 12 people who live in Montana. And if he argues with me, I’ll yell “Fake news!” and have Donald Trump Jr. send a fake tweet attacking him.

I also have the policy chops for this effort beyond debate shenanigans. I not only support a $15 minimum wage but also a $15 birthday present maximum. We got enough stuff in this nation. I support declaring war on Bermuda because we could use a quick victory instead of a long quagmire. And I support changing the national anthem to “Margaritaville.” I should point out that Jimmy Buffett has not officially endorsed my campaign, but I have bought enough of his projects that I should be able to use his most famous song.

If all that doesn’t help, some guy named Vladimir called me up and offered to be my campaign manager. He said something about a combination of misleading social media posts targeting the gullible and offering free vodka for my supporters. I like his ideas, but I don’t want to go Russian into hiring any campaign positions just yet.

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