Chris Johnson

Like football? Baseball? You’ll like them and other sports better with these changes

We’ve all wondered sometimes what kind of changes we would make if we could rule the world. Each of us believes we could make the world a much better place because each of us is the smartest person we know. Or is that just me?

I would order scientists to engineer Whoppers (the candy, not the burger) to be the healthiest food on the planet. I would make cigarettes more dangerous. And I would arm the whales and fish in the Sea of Japan so they could retaliate the next time Kim Jong-un hurls a missile into their home.

Unfortunately, none of us gets to rule the world. Well, except for maybe Jeff Bezos in a few years. Or his friend Alexa. So it’s preposterous for us to sit around wondering what we would do if we could rule the world.

Instead, we need to focus on what we could do in a smaller capacity, such as if could rule the sports world. With no regard to money, precedent or what anybody else thinks, here’s what I would do if I could rule the sports world.

Football: I’d do away with the NFL preseason, period. It’s excruciating to watch. I’d also start the season later. For everyone who lives south of Nunavut, August and September are way too hot now to wear layers of clothes, pads and helmets and then run around in the sun.

Baseball: I’d shorten the season. We all know who the best teams are after 120 games. A 162-game season just become a war of attrition and waiting for a Cy Young contender to throw his arm out. And we need to really speed this game up, so from now on three balls equals a walk, and batters get just two strikes. That oughta speed up the games.

Auto racing: Too much in NASCAR is decided by which team’s have the most money and power. I’d have NASCAR provide the cars, each with the exact same specifications. The cars would then be randomly assigned to drivers a few minutes before the race. Or, even better, we could have the drivers run and jump in the first car they get to, kinda like when you run to your favorite bumper car at Six Flags.

Golf: From now on, you can wear shorts anytime you feel like it. Wearing pants or a collared shirt has no effect on a golf game. Besides, again, it’s too darn hot these days to be wearing long pants while playing a sport. That’s as stupid as wearing a sports coat and tie during the summer. Well, almost as stupid. And golfers should be allowed to strike anyone who yells “Get in da hole!” or “You da man!” repeatedly in the head with a 7-iron.

Basketball: For the love of the game, folks, please quit blasting music during play in an NBA game. You can dribble without a soundtrack.

Women’s softball: By most historical standards, this is a fairly new sport, but the players have developed quickly. The pitchers have become too dominant, so the pitching rubber need to be placed about 5 feet farther back. Major League Baseball lowered the mound because Bob Gibson was so dominant. Softball should do the same.

Men’s tennis: Federer, Djokovic and Nadal should have their own league and just compete against each other. That way some other player will finally have a shot at winning a tournament.

Soccer: This sport someday will be the most popular sport in America, and that’s probably a good thing. It’s certainly more safe for kids to play. But I loathe watching soccer, especially on TV. Either make the goals way bigger or make them very small while eliminating the goalie position. Any sport that could very well end up in a 0-0 final score, the same score with which it began, needs to be fixed.

Dodge ball: This is actually a pretty cool sport. I just think the problem is the ball itself. I think we should replace the ball with lawn darts. And the first match should be the people who yell “Get in da hole!” vs the folks who yell “You da man!”

Get more from Chris Johnson at KudzuKid.com.

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