Chris Johnson: Checking in with the afterlife
A little-known fact about having satellite television is that when the heat index hits 113 degrees exactly on an odd-numbered August day, you can spread Crisco on your dish and pick up channels from anywhere.
And when I say anywhere, I mean a-ny-where. This recently happened at my home as I managed to bring in all kinds of new channels. I could tell they weren't on my existing lineup of channels as the news channels reported actual news and the weather channels reported actual weather. What a concept!
Most amazing, though, was something called the Afterlife News Network. I DVR'd their nightly news, but it disappeared the next day. Still, it went something like this:
BOM! BOM! BOM! Welcome to ANN Nightly News with your co-anchors Walter Cronkite and Peter Jennings.
PETER: Good evening. We begin tonight with a look at a shortage in Hell. Satan reports that they are running out of virgins for the terrorists who kill innocent civilians thinking they'll be rewarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife. Let's go to our Hell Bureau for more.
SATAN: It's basic supply and demand. We've got way too many idiot terrorists for the virgin supply. Some of them are getting only 56 to 57 virgins. Virgins were a lot easier to find 100 years ago. And, quite frankly, there's a reason these virgins are virgins if you know what I mean.
REPORTER: You mean the girls are ugly?
SATAN: Girls? No, that's a common misconception.
REPORTER: Dang, it's hot here.
SATAN: Really? I thought it was cold as Hell when I got up today. Go figure.
WALTER: Now we go to 100 Gold Street where there was a major announcement from Jesus. We spoke with Jesus after he addressed a crowd of 25 trillion.
JESUS: I know that I previously announced that I would return to Earth next week. Unfortunately, due to the overwhelming media coverage of Donald Trump, I doubt anyone would notice, so I'm postponing the trip indefinitely. Besides, I'd planned to go to America, but my socialist views aren't welcome there, so we're going to take a look at some Scandinavian countries instead.
PETER: Now, let's go to Willard Scott with the weather.
WILLARD: Hey, I'm not dead yet!
PETER: Oh, sorry, Willard. Common mistake. Well, the weather is what it always is here -- sunny and 82 on the coast and 28 degrees with fresh powder on the slopes on the north side. Now, let's go to Harry Caray with sports.
HARRY: Holy cow! It appears that the Cubs are finally gonna win the World Series this year because I just got word that Hell is indeed freezing over and I almost got smacked in the head with a flying pig.
WALTER: Actually, Harry, I'm pretty sure that was just a chubby angel.
HARRY: I've gotta get these glasses fixed! Oh well, there's always next year!
PETER: Thanks for joining us. Be sure to tune in tomorrow night for Edward R. Murrow's special report on "anchor fleas" now that all dogs go to Heaven. One archangel says the fleas must go to Hell.
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This story was originally published August 29, 2015 at 10:43 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Checking in with the afterlife ."