Chris Johnson: Just give me the drugs and let me go

There's a lot I don't understand about the pharmaceutical industry in America. There's also a lot I don't understand about algebra, car engines and every video game that's been released since Donkey Kong, but today I'd like to talk about what I don't understand about drugs.

Now, I'm not talking about illicit drugs upon which we've built an entire industry of prisons and narc squads while destroying thousands of families. I'm talking about the legal pharmaceuticals upon which we've built an entire industry of lobbyists ($250 million alone in 2014) and marketing while destroying thousands of families' economic well-being.

We all know there are some shady dealings in the pharmaceutical industry when it comes to pricing and pushing new expensive drugs to the market while squashing generic options when possible. But what we don't know is why it takes so long to get a prescription filled at the pharmacy.

There was a time when there weren't so many regulations and you could pick up your remedy rather quickly. Granted, those times often involved the "pharmacist" sacrificing a chicken and asking if you had any questions about the ground eye of newt, but they were simpler, more efficient times. They were so simple and efficient that we often died at 35. You can't get much more efficient with life than that.

But somewhere between the time we stopped sacrificing chickens and began making McNuggets, something changed at the pharmacy. The folks dispensing medicines started going to school, wearing white coats and charging us a lot more. Yes, long gone are the good old days when you didn't need hundreds of dollars for a month's worth of medicine and could simply pay the pharmacist with a nice pound cake or your first-born child. But noooooo.

Now, I have to give them a prescription I obtained from a doctor who just confirmed everything I found on the internet for a modest

fee. Then I have to give the pharmacy a copy of my legalized extortion card -- some call it health insurance -- that I obtained for an exorbitant fee. Then the pharmacist explains that my extortionists only pay $5 of the $567 medicine that costs .001 cents to make. Then I grab an unsuspecting child and offer them as my first-born.

That's when they tell me it will be about 20 minutes. I look around and see no one else waiting.

"Why 20 minutes? Look, I can see the box of phlaxomicrophylism on the shelf there. Just dump 30 of those pills in a little plastic bottle, and I'll be out of your hair."

That's when they roll their eyes and tell you it's procedure and not as simple as I make it out to be. What am I supposed to do while I wait? I guess I could check my blood pressure at the machine that asks you 47 questions and shows four ads before actually checking my blood pressure.

"185 over 125! Well, gee, I wonder why! Hey, doc, better hurry up with that fermactodylotocin I'm dying over here. This machine just offered me a 20 percent off coupon for Winkin-Blinkin Funeral Home."

"Here you go, sir. Do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, why did this take 20 minutes?"

"I mean questions about taking the medicine."

"No, I've swallowed pills before."

"Well, do you have any questions about how this might interact with any other medications you might be taking?"

"No, as long as it mixes OK with heroin, I'll be fine."

"OK. By the way, I wouldn't worry about that 20 percent off coupon for Winkin-Blinkin."

"Why's that?"

"They don't take your insurance."

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting or email kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published September 20, 2015 at 12:00 AM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Just give me the drugs and let me go ."