Chris Johnson: Perhaps we should meet about this

I believe that these are the three most unproductive words in the English language: regularly scheduled meetings.

If you’re an executive type who is a big-picture person with a 30,000-foot synergetic, outside-the-box view on taking care of low-hanging fruit but are not afraid to tackle the 800-pound gorilla in a room that has undergone a few rounds of rightsizing, you probably spend a lot of time in regularly scheduled meetings. If you wear a sportscoat during the summer, you might spend your entire workday in regularly scheduled meetings.

If you’re one of these executives in an environment where all those worker bees whose benefits have been trimmed back — but not your bonuses and stock options — then you probably make quite the effort to look hassled and stressed out as you practically jog past them on your way to the next regularly scheduled meeting.

We’ve seen you. You remember that time we tried to ask you a work-related question that could actually impact the day’s production? I didn’t think so. To refresh your memory, you said you’d love to help, but were running late to a meeting.

I’ve been to more than a few regularly scheduled meetings in my life. Most of them run about twice as long as they should. If it’s a really big-picture kind of meeting that tackles vague topics like “improved communication” or “inspiring your peons to produce more despite their declining health and increasing economic woes,” those meetings may run four times as long as needed.

 When I emerged from my full-time newspaperman days (where, yes, I was dragged kicking and screaming into a good many regularly scheduled meetings), the first thing I did was to cancel my office’s regularly scheduled Thursday morning meeting with the president of the operation.

“Instead of meeting every week,” I suggested, “how about if I need to tell you something, I’ll walk down the hall to your office, and if you need to tell me something, you can come here.”

He smiled, gave me the thumb’s-up, and went back to work. So did I. What a concept! What synergy! What a paradigm shift! What (insert today’s overrated corporate buzzword here)!

Perhaps worse than the regularly scheduled meeting is the special meeting. Often these are led by people who’ve been discussing your insurance plan, 401(k), parking spaces, overtime rules, dress codes, rightsizing and compensation adjustments. I’ve been to a few of these, too, and I don’t envy you if you and your hard-working pals have been “invited” to one.

Behave, though, and don’t ask too many probing questions or you might get called into the boss’ office for a quick meeting. If he shuts the door, you might have about five minutes to clean out your desk.

But if you play along and nod a lot, you might work your way up into regularly scheduled meetings. And, if you show you’re willing to go the extra mile and give 110 percent, they might even send you off for a couple of days to meet with like-minded souls — hopefully, for you, this will be Vegas or Hawaii.

If they send you to Tulsa or Akron, consider having your regularly scheduled meetings in another field of work.

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published September 26, 2015 at 10:07 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Perhaps we should meet about this."