Chris Johnson: Let's make the North Pole great again

Thank you! Thank you all for that wonderful reception! Is this a great campaign rally or what? You wonderful folks are obviously ready for a change. And I'm telling you that I, Ronald Krump, am going to give you that change. We're are gonna kick that moron Kris Kringle off his velvety red throne. There is going to be a new Santa Claus in town, and Ronald Krump is gonna be the best Santa there's ever been.

We're gonna make the North Pole great again. It'll be so great, you're gonna get tired of how great it is. It's gonna be great, great, great. Did I mention it'll be great? I mean really great.

Of course, you've got to have a plan. And I've got a plan. I'm not going to bore you with all the details right now, but, trust me, the details are great details. My friend Jack Frost said that my details are the best.

Oh, and in case you didn't know, Ronald Krump is very rich, and I'm not gonna apologize for that. My igloo is 40,000 square feet with a gold-plated interior. I've got more candy canes than I can count and figgy pudding out the wazoo!

What's that? A disturbance in the back? Gnomes! I figured. Wait, wait, let's not hurt the guy. Just shut him up. Oh, a dark-skinned gnome. Well, maybe he needs a little roughing up. Have at it.

See, this is why we need a wall. These gnomes come up from down south, and not only are they raping and killing, they're also stealing our jobs like picking magic berries from the Christmas Bush, installing carpet in Santa's workshop and putting roofs on houses throughout the pole -- jobs elves could be doing.

And some of these gnomes don't even believe in Christmas. If you don't believe in Christmas, you should not be allowed into the North Pole, not with this War on Christmas going on out there. When I'm Santa, we're gonna bomb the crap out of all those people who say "Happy Holidays."

You know, the economy here at the North Pole is in the toilet. Folks are getting so many toys from China now that we may not even need Santa's workshop if this idiot stays in charge. He's so stupid. It's been a total disaster. There won't be any reindeer games when I get there. No more goofing off. My first day I'm gonna call Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen into my office and say, "You're fired!" I might keep Rudolph.

Speaking of Santa, have you seen how fat this guy is? I mean, he can't even get down the chimneys anymore. And what's up with Mrs. Claus? That face! She's like the Grinch with lipstick. Ugh!

When I'm Santa, though, we're gonna have a great, great Mrs. Claus. No, not that trophy wife; she's the first Mrs. Krump. No, not that one trophy wife, either. Yeah, that one, the one who's been photographed naked the most. The North Pole is gonna be a lot hotter with her as Mrs. Claus, and that has nothing to do with that make-believe climate change or science stuff.

By the way, let me read some poll numbers. Ronald Krump 44 percent, Frosty the Snowman 12 percent and Old Man Winter 6 percent. No other candidate has more than 1 percent. I'm so far ahead of these losers. What's that? No, Bernie Sanders is not Old Man Winter. I think they're cousins.

Before I go, I'd like to mention a few more things. Egg nog stinks! Snowmen should be melted into clean water! Carolers are stupid! Bells shouldn't jingle!

Wait, I just got handed an update. Ronald Krump's poll numbers just shot up to 52 percent. Did I mention I also hate kids and puppies?

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published December 19, 2015 at 7:53 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Let's make the North Pole great again ."