Chris Johnson: Highlights for the year in preview

As my Uncle Nostradamus Joe used to say, "The ability to peek into the future is an awesome responsibility, but it's not as awesome as peeking into the girls' locker room." As a clairvoyant, I've always been surprised that Uncle NJ never saw those peeping tom charges coming his way.

But that's small potatoes. It's time to fry some big taters now with my something-something annual Year in Preview. I'd tell you exactly how many there have been, but I do not have the ability to see into the past.

This coming year, 2016, is going to be huge. We're going to elect a new president from a large field of very, um, well, a large field of politicians. Their primary job will be to create jobs so that America is at full employment when the planet dies from climate change.

So, let's charge into the New Year. Here are your 2016 highlights:

January

Steve Harvey's new sports network reports that Vanderbilt has won college football's national championship by defeating Miss Colombia.

Frustrated that his Religious Freedom Restoration Act is held up in committee after being deemed "unnecessary," Georgia State Sen. Josh McKoon comes up with two new bills he considers even more necessary -- the Alien Abduction Reparations Act and a bill that would ban gay Sasquatches from Georgia.

In a letter to NASA, offended dwarf planets say that in the future they would like to be referred to a little planets.

February

Mainstream media outlets report that "Long-shot presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has edged out shoe-in Hillary Clinton 95 percent to 5 percent in the Iowa Caususes in what is practically a statisti

cal tie and a mere blip in Clinton's march to the White House."

The New England Patriots' 35-28 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50 is marred by accusations that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady used a Nerf football during the game. The NFL announces it will investigate.

In a last-ditch effort to grab voters' attention, Jeb Bush shoots an endangered lion on live television and eats it raw.

March

An undercover video shows Billy Bobby Bakerfield of Westchester, Idaho, missing the cup at the sperm donation center. He is later charged with 90 million counts of child endangerment.

Donald Trump solidifies his stranglehold on the Republican nomination when he announces that, if elected, he will reverse course on normalizing relations with Cuba Gooding Jr.

The NFL finds no evidence that Tom Brady knew about the Nerf balls used in the Super Bowl, nor did he order them to be swapped with the official footballs. Roger Goodell says the fact that the Nerf balls had Sharpie markings reading, "Please use these Nerf balls. Sincerely, your favorite quarterback, Tom" was purely coincidental.

April

Fans begin lining up for what is either "Star Wars Episode VIII" advance tickets or the new iPhone 7. They're willing to find out which one when they get to the front of the line.

Google's self-driving car program suffers a major setback when a self-driving Porsche is pulled over for DWI after gassing up on high-octane.

Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is forced to exit the presidential race when an email from her private server reveals that she ignored a potential $65 million windfall from Nigeria and a 25-percent-off coupon from The Gap.

May

CNN experiences a newsgasm when a plane carrying Donald Trump disappears.

NOAA announces its predictions for the 2016 Atlantic hurricane season, saying it expects seven hurricanes, four of which will be major, and one sharknado.

A judge drops all charges against the self-driving Porsche after deciding that it suffers from "affluenza."

June

CNN's Anderson Cooper interrupts his special report on Iran's nuclear attack on Australia to regretfully inform the public of more important breaking news that Donald Trump's plane has been discovered. Trump says it was the most spectacular plane crash ever and he is the greatest crash survivor but that his pilots are so stupid.

In an effort to restore credibility and trust at FIFA, Seth Blatter is officially dismissed as president and replaced with "Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli.

Hank Huckleberry, boyfriend of formerly long lost Kardashian sister Koozie Kardashian, runs his Ferrari into a parade of nuns, critically injuring 27 and spraining his ankle.

July

News media gather outside Our Lady of the Buttocks Hospital, where a candlelight vigil has begun as thousands express their grief over Hank Huckleberry's ankle injury.

WRBL's Bob Jeswald issues his weather for the entire month of July: Extreme heat advisory with a 20 percent chance of thunderstorms.

Worried that nude photos of his third wife could finally hurt his chances with evangelical voters, Donald Trump points out that current First Lady Michelle Obama once tried to make our kids eat healthy.

August

During a party at the Playboy Mansion, Trump notes that his poll numbers with evangelical Christians are up 10 percent in the last week.

A riot breaks out when a Muslim checkout clerk at Piggly Wiggly cites religious reasons for refusing to sell bacon to Jimmy Earl Snodgrass. Thirty overweight bacon lovers die of heart attacks during the riot's excitement.

TLC launches a hit new reality show with Josh Duggar -- "19 Sins and Counting."

September

Caitlyn Jenner and Rachel Dolezal announce that are getting married and that they are having a baby thanks to the cooperation of sperm donor Boy George and surrogate mother Rupaul. Media outlets are too confused to report the story.

Anonymous hacks the website LetsHaveAnIllicitAffair.com, which had promised secrecy to its users, and announces it will reveal the names of all of its registered users.

In a surprise move, 512 members of Congress unexpectedly resign.

October

After scientists report that the Earth experienced another record hot summer, Sen. James Inhofe of Oklahoma disproves the report by eating a snow cone.

"Say What?" -- a black-and-white French film with Italian subtitles starring Reese Witherspoon as a man pretending to be a woman with a terminal disease as she/he tries to find the child he/she thought she/he had during an African genocide staged by rogue Catholic priests -- emerges as an early favorite for next year's Oscars.

In a bold move, the Atlanta Braves decide to get ready for the opening of the 2017 baseball season and new stadium by signing baseball players.

November

Republican Donald Trump is elected the next president of the United States by five points over runner-up Bernie Sanders and 10 points over surprise independent write-in candidate Mickey Mouse, whom a generous Trump offers a post in his administration while Tweeting his acceptance speech.

Disgraced former NBC news anchor Brian Williams reports that he is severely injured when the chopper carrying him and Bill O'Reilly is shot down during the first major battle in the War on Christmas.

Mickey Mouse refuses to serve in a Trump administration.

December

In his annual Christmas message, Pope Francis repeatedly quotes Jesus. Americans condemn his remarks as anti-capitalist.

Also fed up with Pope Francis is Santa Claus, who announces that this Christmas he will save time by delivering toys to the richest 1 percent of girls and boys and ask them to share with their poorer neighbors.

The richest 1 percent of boys and girls register their toy rooms in the Cayman Islands through toy room inversion.

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published December 26, 2015 at 8:57 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: Highlights for the year in preview ."