Chris Johnson: A few resolutions for the new year

It's resolution time! We go through this every January -- setting resolutions that will make us better folks in the coming year. Popular New Year's resolutions include losing weight, quitting cigarettes and telling police where you hid the bodies.

Some of us, like myself, could stand a little improvement. Others, like yourself, have a really long way to go, so I hope you've come up with a long list of resolutions for 2016.

Of course, I must start my New Year's resolutions this year with the usual -- lose weight. I'm proud to say that I've lost 415 pounds since I started making that resolution about 20 years ago. Of course, I've gained 425 pounds since then, so you really can't tell much difference.

A new resolution for me this year is to do more meth. I think meth is underrated and certainly underutilized in America today. It won't be easy for me because I think numbers are from the devil. But I recognize that I must do more meth as I have become way too reliant on calculators and computers to do simple meth.

Also, I resolve to get a new spellcheck for my computer so that it recognizes when I mean math instead of meth.

But, mainly, my resolution for 2016 is to become more tolerant.

If you're the kind of trashy, self-centered criminal who throws your cigarette butts on the streets, sidewalks and beaches of our world, I'm not going to say things like, "You can pick that up or swallow it -- either way is fine with me." I'll be more tolerant of your ignorance and probably just pick it up myself. (Besides I'm getting older, and some younger, faster, stronger bucks might take me up on such a confrontation.)

If you think President Obama's a Muslim, climate change is a hoax,

Sandy Hook was staged or Kardashians are entertaining, I will tolerate you. You can't be reached. I might tolerate you with earplugs or by hiding all your posts on my Facebook feed, but consider yourselves tolerated.

On the other hand, I also resolve that there is one thing I will NOT tolerate in 2016 -- and that's intolerance.

I'm talking about the kind of folks who say things like "I'm not a racist, but ..." What you really mean is "Not only am I racist, but I'm about to prove it by saying ..."

If you hate black folks, or if you hate white folks for that matter, I'm not going to tolerate it whether you're my crazy relative, neighbor or Facebook friend.

If you hate those whose religion is different from yours and think their religion's stories are a bunch of hogwash while those of your religion are perfectly believable, consider yourself untolerated by me this year.

If you hate homosexuals, foreigners (especially the ones who stole that job you so coveted -- picking vegetables and fruits for paltry under-the-table cash), Republicans, Democrats, yankees, Southerners, or whoever, I'm not going to tolerate you.

And there's one more group I can't tolerate this year -- those who get offended by everything. Ironically, the folks I usually see complaining about people being offended seem to get offended the most -- you know, the folks who complain about whiny college protesters and then whine because they're offended you said Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Hypocrite much?

So, if you disappear from my Facebook feed or don't hear from me this year, have no fear. I'm just trying to make 2016 a little more tolerable.

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting, Twitter @kudzukid88 or kudzukid88@gmail.com.

This story was originally published January 2, 2016 at 10:43 PM with the headline "Chris Johnson: A few resolutions for the new year ."