Paving new roads behind the wheel

A little while back, I was driving through my old stomping grounds near Possum Holler and could find very little on the radio.

Sure, there was the usual slate of America-is-going-to-hell talk shows and the-world-is-going-to-hell religious shows, but it was the end of the week, and for the 436th consecutive week, none of those talkers had convinced me the world was dang near kaput.

I wanted music. I could have listened to one of my Spotify playlists such as “Jimmy Bufett Songs” or “Instrumental Justin Beiber Tunes” but I didn't feel like going through all the trouble of digging out my falling-apart smartphone and plugging the wire into the auxiliary jack.

(My truck is just a little too old to have Bluetooth technology — it has Yellowtooth technology in which you take your vehicle to Jimmy Ed Jenkins at Possum Holler Auto Repair & Fine Dining and have him install a thumping sound system.)

And you just can't listen to Possum Holler's local AM station — WPSM — unless you find hog prices fascinating. I love bacon but not so much the economics behind it.

Down in the Holler, you can't get a whole lot of FM radio stations due to high concentration of kryptonite in the hills around it and the green cloud of gas that emanates from Old Possum Swamp behind Meth Meadows Trailer Park. But you can get public radio.

While I'm not a fan of the classical music they play in the midday, I do like clever shows like “Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me” and “Ask Me Another.” And, of course, I enjoy a little “A Prairie Home Companion” every now and then. “Prairie” has introduced me to some great artists like Sarah Jarosz and reintroduced me to amazing singers like Suzy Bogguss.

Recently, the show featured a fellow named Dan Newton — a fellow I'd never heard of. Never heard of because he's an accordion player. It seems no matter how great of an accordion player you may be, it's never great enough to be recognized by Joe Schmos like myself. Until now.

I surprised myself by not only taking a liking to the accordion but jamming out on the air accordion while driving. Sure, we've all done some air guitar to Van Halen, air piano to Ray Charles and air-drumming to Phil Collins' “In The Air Tonight” — all while behind the wheel. Those activities may get you some strange looks, but I assure you that it's nothing compared to the looks you get when you play air accordion.

Of course, there are all kinds of crazy things you can do behind the wheel that you should never do behind the wheel. I've seen women applying make-up. I've seen defeated elderly men driving with their wives' little yappy dogs in their laps. I've seen teenagers texting. I've seen country boys firing guns.

But I believe I'm the first to attempt air accordion behind the wheel — maybe even the first to attempt air accordion period. While I'm sure it's probably against some kind of law to play air accordion while driving, I must say that it actually makes driving much safer for me.

Why? Because even though our roads are now packed with folks tailgating, cutting you off and crowding you in all kinds of ways, they give plenty of space to drivers who play air accordion.

This story was originally published April 9, 2016 at 9:22 PM with the headline "Paving new roads behind the wheel."