Chris Johnson

This election has me all un-a-Twitter

Now that the Republican and Democratic conventions are over and have put the lid on the primary season, we can now get to the important question of the general election, which is:

How in the world after all of that did we get stuck with these two? It’s like going into the ice cream store — um, I mean frozen yogurt shop now — and finding out you can order either vanilla or vanilla with pepper sauce. Unfortunately, you have to pick one.

You’ve got one candidate whose idea of a policy stance is to come up with nicknames like Crooked Hillary, and another whose idea of uniting her party is by naming the person who divided her party to be an honorary chair in her campaign.

I really don’t want to hear these two spend the next few months talking about how crazy and dangerous the other is. I just want to skip ahead to Nov. 8 and find out what the future holds.

That being said, I found a way to skip ahead and paid a visit to Madame Sister Ruby’s fortune-telling, palm-reading and nonpartisan think tank down Creeque Alley just behind Lefty’s Pawn Shop.

“Do you really want to know?” she asked. “I mean do you like 10 bucks want to know or 20 bucks want to know?”

“Twenty please. I can’t take it anymore.”

“OK, I’ll use my tarot cards. Ahh. Oh. Hmm.”

“Wait, that’s the eight of clubs.”

“Sorry, I lost a few. Work with me here. Hmm, how would you feel about the state of the union speech being a little shorter?”

“I’m OK with that.”

“Like 140 characters?”

“Wait, are you telling me the State of the Union speech is going to be Tweeted? Oh no, that means Trump! He’ll build a wall, and I’ll never get my house built!”

“Possibly. I mean, sometimes these cards skip ahead. I might be seeing President Kanye in 2020.”

“Will five more bucks help clear it up?”

“Ah, yes, it’s definitely the delusional narcissist with the trophy wife who posed naked a lot and called it work.”

“Can you be more specific? Here’s five more.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s definitely Trump and your new first lady, Melanoma.”

“You mean Melania.”

“No, he’ll be on wife number four by then, and Stepford Child No. 6 will be on the way, too. Would you like to hear the next State of the Union?”


“@AmericanPeons, SOTU is great.”

“That’s it?”

“No, also ‘#TiredOfWinning.’ That’s it.”

“Well, I guess that’s good … or great. Heck, I might even retweet it!”

Connect with Chris Johnson at