When it comes to this heat, I'm having Nunavut

An awful lot of folks have said that if Donald Trump wins the presidential election in November, they are moving to Canada. About eight years ago, I remember many right-wingers threatening to move to Canada if Barack Obama won, sending us plunging into socialism — a threat I found awfully ironic since Canada is well to the left of the USA on many issues.

I’ll never move to Canada because of the outcome of an election. However, if these oppressively hot summers don’t abate, I’m considering bolting for Nunavut.

(For you geographically challenged folks, Nunavut is a massive Canadian territory that reaches into the Arctic, is known for exporting 92 percent of the world’s Icees and whose population consists of three polar bears, two walruses and a guy named Earl.)

Earl — and the bears and walruses (or is it walri?) — may be lonely up there, but they’ve got the right idea these days as 2016 is on track, yet again, to be the hottest year since 68,452,347 B.C., which, if you’ll recall, was a real scorcher and wiped out all the albino dinosaurs.

Of course, we all know that climate change is an elaborate hoax being carried out by a bunch of losers called “scientists,” who go around inventing theories and citing facts, yet can’t remember important things like the name of the Most Valuable Player in Super Bowl LXIII.

Scientists are so busy promoting this hoax and inflating temperature readings that they read right through that last paragraph without hesitation. But you are a decent, normal human being who just said, “Wait a minute! We haven’t played Super Bowl lexie three yet! I know my ramen noodlerals, and that’s at least a dozen years away!”

You’re also probably sick of this faux heat instigated by climate change scientists. You’re tired of checking your weather app on your phone and seeing that it’s 97 degrees and, yet, “much cooler than yesterday.” You’re tired of seeing brown corn stalks alongside the highway and watching plants wilt in your backyard. You’re sick of having to wear snorkel gear when you visit Uncle Luis down in Isle de Jean Charles, Louisiana — which scientists claim is among the first U.S. communities to be overtaken by rising seas when we normal, decent folks know that it is merely sinking toward hell because of gay marriage.

Whatever it is, I’m tired of 98 degrees being the new summer normal instead of what it should be — a completely forgotten boy band. Do you know what the temperature is right now in Iqaluit, Nunatuk? It’s 53 degrees, which means that it’s pretty much peaked for today. Tonight it should get down to about 39.

I used to love summer, but that was when I was on break from school, my neighbors had a swimming pool and 94 degrees was considered a hot July afternoon. Now, if you set your home thermostat on 94 degrees, it’s going to feel like a refrigerator when you come in from outside.

No thanks. I’m a fall and spring guy now — especially since those times of year now feel like late and early summer used to. I’ve picked me out a nice lot between Iqaluit and Kugluktuk where I’m going to build me a summer cabin.

And if I can just get my neighbors the walruses to put in a swimming pool, summers will be perfect once again.

This story was originally published August 9, 2016 at 2:57 PM with the headline "When it comes to this heat, I'm having Nunavut."