Life can be a real pain in the thumb

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about pain — ever since I developed something called “trigger finger” in my thumb. I don’t think I could actually pull a trigger with my thumb, but I guess that’s beside the point.

Trigger finger is a condition — likely one of those conditions that start to pile up as you age and become a living WebMD page of maladies — in which a finger gets stuck in a bent position and then, painfully, snaps straight.

It’s getting to where I can’t handle crucial life tasks like opening pickle jars for my wife or buttoning my shirt.

It’s depressing. If I didn’t use my left hand for hitchhiking, I just might have the stupid thing amputated. Unfortunately, I could only afford an Aluminum Plan on the Obamacare exchange, and my insurer doesn’t cover amputations, ailments, medicines or anything that might involve money. I could pay out of pocket, but it hurts to pull out my wallet.

They tell me trigger finger is probably a temporary condition, but they said the same thing years ago about my hallucinations of aliens peeking at me through the window. Yikes! Excuse me for a sec.

“What do you mean you can’t find your probe? I don’t have time for hallucinations; I’ve gotta finish this column. Dang, why is this office chair so uncomfortable today?”

Obviously, some folks might downplay the pain of trigger finger — especially women who have been through childbirth, which Carol Burnett tried to explain by saying, “Grab your bottom lip. Now, pull it over your head.” I know folks who’ve experienced back problems and heart surgeries who seemed to think those were pretty painful. And I broke my femur — along with my hip and pelvis — 16 years ago. That didn’t feel wonderful, although the experience did inspire the names of my pet gerbils — Morphina and Darvocet.

If you’ve ever stubbed your toe on the bed in the middle of the night, you know that a little thing like a big toe can cause a lot of pain. Having trigger finger is like stubbing your toe over and over for a minute.

Fortunately, the best remedy for trigger finger is rest, so I haven’t hitchhiked more than a couple of times this week. If something hurts, quit using it. I learned that when I used to get headaches, which I solved by giving up thinking. I haven’t had an original thought in seven years. Kardashians, by the way, never have headaches.

Thank goodness this trigger finger condition didn’t develop 35 years ago, or I never would have been able to play my Atari 2600. If you don’t know about the Atari 2600, you’re either so old that you feel like you’ve got trigger finger from your thumb to your hip or you’re so young that you’re scared trigger finger might stop you from playing more modern video games like Grand Evil Call of Mortal Death 6.

All I know is that I wish there were some kind of remedy for this condition, such as medical marijuana or medical margaritas. If there were such a thing, I’d definitely give it two thumbs up.

Oww! Make that one.

This story was originally published August 15, 2016 at 9:42 PM with the headline "Life can be a real pain in the thumb."