I’m used to guys showing off their guns at the gym, but ...

In the past 15 years, I’ve been a member of about seven gyms. I’ve lost one pound, which is a little more than two ounces per gym — I’d like to congratulate them on their collective success.

Of course, the gym is only as effective as you are committed to the effort. I’m quite frankly a little more committed to the fantasy of a small electronic organ that is implanted into the body to eliminate from the body all unnecessary fats, sugars, cholesterol and calories — in other words, everything that makes food worth eating.

My weight may have stayed about the same, but some muscle has replaced some of the blubber I once toted around — and muscle weighs more than fat. At least, that’s what I’ve heard, and this is the era of spreading information true or false with the disclaimer of “I don’t know if this is true, but ...”. And, as many politicians and pundits know, it doesn’t have to be true as long as you say it enough.

While I may have put on a little muscle, I’m not one of those guys who watches himself in the mirror while he works out. I saw myself in a mirror one time, and, trust me, it’s an overrated experience. I don’t need mirrors in my life — unlike the guy I saw walking beside me on the sidewalk downtown the other day.

“Can you believe that guy left the house dressed like that?!” I said to my wife.

“Um, that’s your reflection in the store window,” she said. “And, no, I can’t.”

Perhaps if I had giant “guns” to show off — that’s another term for arm muscles for you folks not hip to the latest 1970s lingo — I’d be like those guys and wear tank tops, stare at myself as I do arm curls and yell “Uggghh!” every time I did a rep. I do yell “Uggghh!” every time I get off the couch, but in my defense the cushions are a little too soft.

Last week, though, I witnessed a gun show at the gym like I’d never seen. A sizable fella in decent shape — if you consider round a decent shape — waddled into the workout area. He wasn’t exactly dressed like the rest of us as he wore blue jeans instead of workout shorts or pants. I guess workout shorts wouldn’t hold his gun holster.

That’s right — this fellow carried his handgun into the gym to workout. I was immediately thankful I’d lost that one pound as I considered the possibility the gun might go off during a power squat or something.

Now, I love shooting guns out in the country, and I’m quite OK with having one in the house for self-defense. But I’m not so paranoid that I need to carry one everywhere. I’m sure some folks would say that I’d be glad that gun-toting patriot has his gun if the gym were attacked by terrorists, but I don’t live my life in that kind of fear. I’m sure I’d be glad I was wearing a meteorite-deflecting helmet if I were hit in the head with a meteorite, but it probably ain’t happening.

I guess it gave this guy some sense of power to wear that gun in the gym — and probably everywhere else — especially since he didn’t have any other guns to speak of. But it made my wife quite nervous, especially when something hit the floor and made a loud “pow” while she was waiting for me to finish on the elliptical machine.

I’m sure she thought, “Great, I just knew my fool husband was going to say something smart-alecky to that guy!”

This story was originally published August 22, 2016 at 9:46 PM with the headline "I’m used to guys showing off their guns at the gym, but ...."