Stay in my lane

OK — I am an arts guy, specifically a theatre guy, and have been for over 40 years. And I try to stay in my lane, I really do. But sometimes I can’t help glancing over at another lane. So, I guess as an arts guy, I have to confess, what do I know about anything? Other than how to be generous, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and, well, a whole person, I just don’t understand the world like some people do. Newt Gingrich, for example.

Newt said that we should monitor American mosques and test every citizen of Muslim descent in the U.S. on whether they believe in Sharia law — and deport them if they do.

“Let me be as blunt and direct as I can be. Western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said in an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “Sharia is incompatible with Western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia, glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door.”

Again, the arts guy in me may completely out of touch here or under-informed or something (after all, I don’t have the worldly experience, knowledge, insight and wisdom of Newt Gingrich), but I think that while there is something incompatible with Western civilization here, it’s the idea that you can deport people for what they believe.

And how would that work, anyway?

Christian Guy holding a clipboard: “Uh, excuse me, Mr. Muslim person, which I can tell because of your skin color, beard and generally swarthy and suspicious demeanor — do you believe in Sharia law? Because if you do, we will deport you, but if you don’t believe in Sharia, or you have given up Sharia, or if you’ll just say that you have given up Sharia for the sake of this survey, which Mr. Gingrich has tasked me and several thousand others to complete by Tuesday, November 8, we would be happy to have you next door. Not to my house, of course, but we can find you some other next-door types.”

Muslim Guy: “I’m sorry — who are you? And was there an actual question there somewhere?”

Christian Guy: (Flashing an ID) “I’m Thomas with Newt’s Knights, and the question was: Do you believe in Sharia law?”

Muslim Guy: “Are you referring to the body of moral and religious law derived from Islamic religious prophecy, as opposed to human legislation, dealing with many topics, including crime, politics, marriage contracts, trade regulations, religious prescriptions, and economics, as well as personal matters such as sexual intercourse, hygiene, diet, prayer, everyday etiquette and fasting? THAT Sharia law?” (Thank you, Wikipedia)

Christian Guy: “Um, yeah — I guess.”

Muslim Guy: “Let me ask you a comparable question. Do you believe in Levitical Law?”

Christian Guy: “What?”

Muslim Guy: “Levitical Law? You know, the body of moral and religious law found primarily in Leviticus, Deuteronomy and Exodus, which among other things, spells out the 35 or so conditions in which you can and should be put to death (Lev 20, Deut 22, Ex 22) either by stoning or burning — including blasphemy, adultery, lying about virginity, breaking the Sabbath, trying to convert people to another religion, being a stubborn and rebellious son, and not penning up a known dangerous bull. I assume that you follow Levitical Law. Right?”

Christian Guy: “What are you saying?”

Muslim Guy: “First of all, my name is Michael, I am of Italian descent, Roman Catholic, and grew up in Queens and own the restaurant you just came out of. I hope you liked the lunch. What did you have, by the way?”

Christian Guy: “Uh, the Tortellini.”

Not-Muslim Guy: “Ah, with pork, our secret-recipe marinara, and fresh parmesan on top. A traditional but very good choice.”

Christian Guy: “Yeah, I cleaned my plate.”

Not-Muslim Guy: “Great, and thank you for dining with us. So, what I’m saying is, I will play along with the Muslim thing, because you seem like a decent person. What I’m saying is, are you sure you want to ask me or anybody else that question, knowing that Dick-CHINO-wannabe Newt Gingrich put you up to it?

Christian Guy: “Dick CHINO?”

Not Muslim Guy: “Sorry, my little joke. CHINO — you know, Christian In Name Only. I meant of course Dick Cheney.”

Christian Guy: “Who’s Dick Cheney?”

Not Muslim Guy: “... OK, right. You know, this has been fun and I wish you all the best, but if I don’t go to the market, our dinner menu will be a little less Italian and more on the American cuisine side. But maybe that is exactly what we need more of these days. I’ll have to think about that. Anyway, good luck.”

Christian Guy: “Yeah, see ya.” To a new customer: “Uh, excuse me, Mr. Muslim person ...”

This story was originally published July 18, 2016 at 5:36 PM with the headline "Stay in my lane."