Trump bets on Uptown casino

Columbus taxpayers got some good news over the weekend:

They won’t get stuck with a multimillion-dollar tab to demolish and rebuild the Columbus Government Center.

Council in a specially called meeting Saturday sold the property to Trump Casinos, which plans to fully renovate the complex for a Trump Tower casino and resort.

The billion-dollar project is the latest in a series of Uptown Columbus announcements the Ledger-Enquirer has posted online.

Still some critics complain council sold the property too cheaply, despite obtaining two appraisals.

The first was $48,612.67, so councilors sought a second estimate, which valued the block in the heart of downtown at $1.2 million.

Councilors decided to stick with the first appraisal.

“We just figured the second was way off base,” one said. “I mean, $1.2 million? Seriously? Have you seen the restrooms in that place? I get a pair of plastic gloves from the deputies before I touch anything in them.”

Other naysayers questioned whether President Donald Trump by executive order can declare casino gambling legal in Columbus, as the Georgia General Assembly has yet to pass legislation putting the question to the voters.

Columbus Council hired the Atlanta law firm Shuckem, Suckett & Spitt to research the issue.

“We checked, and it turns out that yeah, he pretty much can do whatever he wants,” said Neilan Suckett, the firm’s senior partner.

At 4:15 a.m. Sunday, the president tweeted: “Saved taxpayers millions in Columbus! Cut spending! Grew jobs! #ohiorocks.”

Still the project remains controversial because casino performers will sign a contract prohibiting their appearing at venues within a 10-block radius, which cuts out the Springer Opera House, the RiverCenter for the Performing Arts, the Columbus Civic Center, the Liberty Theater, the Phenix City amphitheater, all of Columbus State University’s RiverPark Campus venues, the Uptown Concert Series and every downtown bar and restaurant.

The resort also is expected to siphon business from the Blue Heron zipline on the Chattahoochee River, as Trump Tower Casino Columbus is to have ziplines running from its roof to other downtown attractions.

This too is controversial, as critics say it not only will hurt the existing zipline’s business, it also is physically impossible to zipline from the top of an 11-story building to theaters just across the street.

“My calculations show that by the time an average human body descends to the Springer theater balcony, it will be traveling at 132.7 mph and break apart upon impact, with dismembered limbs smashing through the windows and bouncing off elderly patrons trying to find the restrooms during intermission,” said a Georgia Tech physicist.

Trump reacted angrily at 4:23 a.m. Sunday: “Failing shop class grad! Fake nerd! Sad!” he tweeted.

Yet another issue is pushback from the city’s Uptown Façade Board, which demands the casino’s proposed design eliminate a massive megawatt sign that could be seen from Bibb City to Fort Benning, plus a dizzying array of Las Vegas-like running lights outlining the entire complex.

Trump has hinted he may withhold federal funds if the board continues its “witch hunt.”

“The president feels this is regulatory overreach,” said policy adviser Stephen Miller. “The powers of the president to protect our signage are very substantial and will not be questioned.”

Also under review is who would secure the casino property.

The president intends to have his own security team in place, and says he won’t need the Columbus Police Department, the Muscogee County Sheriff’s Office, the Muscogee County Marshal’s Office, the Columbus State University Police Department, Metra Parking Enforcement, Special Enforcement, off-duty officers working part-time downtown, or Nighthawks.

Instead federal agents will position themselves at fortified gun emplacements atop the east and west wings, with snipers on the roof of the tower, where the president’s helicopter will land Monday at 9 a.m.

He is to make an official announcement from a stage on the north plaza at 9:30, where he plans to give the mayor a big hug and pledge to hire only workers under age 16 once Congress eliminates child-labor laws.

Trump said he’s making good on,a promise to coal-producing states, where he pledged to “put America’s minors back to work.”

Editor’s note: This is Tim Chitwood's annual April Fool's column. Happy belated April Fool's Day!

This story was originally published April 2, 2017 at 5:12 PM with the headline "Trump bets on Uptown casino."